Sonya Stattmann

Leadership Coach + Corporate Speaker

Rewriting Unconscious Patterns | Reclaiming the Life we Want

So much of how we show up in the world is influenced by unconscious patterns we’ve been repeating since childhood. These deep psychic grooves can help us survive, but they can also keep us from being the people we really want to be. 

In order to reclaim the life we want, we have to work on rewriting these unconscious patterns. 

Join Sonya and Laura as they explore the origins of these patterns, and how compassionate, loving self-exploration can help us get out of those ruts and back to a more authentic relationship with ourselves.

Join us as we discuss

  • 05:23 The ways even loving, well-meaning family environments can encourage us to hide our true selves.
  • 15:27 Being helpful because you want to, not to seek validation.
  • 36:10 The importance of examining your patterns with curiosity and compassion.
  • 37:04 How our unconscious patterns deplete our energy, and how to better resource ourselves.
  • 40:02 The vital role of self-awareness and emotional intelligence in settling conflicts, internal and external.

Resources mentioned in the show: (If appropriate)

Learn more about Sonya & Laura

—> Sonya Stattmann is the host & creator of Reclaiming Ourselves™. She is a TEDx & corporate speaker, and has been working with leaders around personal development for the last 22 years. She teaches workshops & offers small group programs around emotional intelligence, transformational & embodied leadership and energy management. You can find more about her here:

Website: https://www.sonyastattmann.com/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sonyastattmann/

—> Laura Shook-Guzman, co-host of Reclaiming Ourselves, LMFT, and Somatic Psychotherapist for entrepreneurs has been a mental health professional for 23 years. She’s the founder of three businesses; the world’s first Wellness Coworking Community Soma Vida, the global community Women Who Cowork, and her own therapy practice, Conscious Ambition. You can find more about her here: 

Website: http://www.laurashookguzman.com/

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/laurashookguzman/ 

What you can do next:

  1. For more episodes, opportunities and information on the hosts, visit http://reclaimingourselvespodcast.com/
  2. Love the podcast? Get episodes delivered to your inbox with articles related to the topics we talk about. You can sign up at http://reclaimingourselvespodcast.com/
  3. Need a little weekly magic? Sign up for Worthy Love Notes & weekly affirmations here https://www.sonyastattmann.com/self-worth-affirmations-2/  

Thank you for being you. We are so honored to have you as a listener!

Transcript
Laura Shook-Guzman:

I find that that's the big fear for people, when they know they

Laura Shook-Guzman:

need to uncover something and they need to return to themselves, but they've just

Laura Shook-Guzman:

been trying to stay out of that discomfort of what are they feeling in their body if

Laura Shook-Guzman:

they stop working that hard, what's there?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And for a lot of people it's like, oh, uh, emotions that I haven't

Laura Shook-Guzman:

wanted to feel in a long time.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

A relationship I'm not happy in a situation work that I wanna change.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

all sorts of things could be.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

When you start

Laura Shook-Guzman:

listening

Sonya Stattmann:

truth is there, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like I

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Exactly.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yeah.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Truth is there.

Sonya Stattmann:

like when we slow down we have to face truth,

Sonya Stattmann:

face our real feelings, Face what we've been able to cover up or,

Sonya Stattmann:

work over or work around, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

We have to kind of face the truth that's there.

Sonya Stattmann:

But man, it's so powerful, you know, when we do that.

Sonya Stattmann:

If you know there is something deep inside of you that is yearning to be

Sonya Stattmann:

seen, to be known, and to have expression.

Sonya Stattmann:

If there's something you need to reclaim and remember: maybe it's your

Sonya Stattmann:

power or your purpose, your gifts.

Sonya Stattmann:

This is the podcast for you.

Sonya Stattmann:

Welcome to Reclaiming Ourselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

I'm your host, Sonya Stattmann and I'm honored to have three amazing

Sonya Stattmann:

co-hosts, Laura Shook-Guzman, Belinda Haan, and Emily Soccorsy, here with

Sonya Stattmann:

me on this journey to self discovery.

Sonya Stattmann:

Every week we're gonna help you unravel and remember what it means to reclaim

Sonya Stattmann:

yourself, to own who you are, to recognize your innate worth and greatness.

Sonya Stattmann:

Now this podcast is a deep dive into self-development,

Sonya Stattmann:

healing, and empowerment.

Sonya Stattmann:

So hold on.

Sonya Stattmann:

Here we go.

Sonya Stattmann:

Welcome back to Reclaiming Ourselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

Today I have Laura Shook Guzman in the house with me.

Sonya Stattmann:

I'm so excited in the studio, and we're gonna be talking about a

Sonya Stattmann:

topic that seriously, Laura and I could probably spend like the

Sonya Stattmann:

next three days talking about.

Sonya Stattmann:

So , we'll try to, we'll try to limit it to an episode.

Sonya Stattmann:

But what we really wanna kind of unpack and explore and look at is, , when

Sonya Stattmann:

we seek to reclaim ourselves, I think a lot of people can resonate with

Sonya Stattmann:

this idea that, you know, we wanna reclaim ourselves, we wanna get back

Sonya Stattmann:

to self, we wanna return to self.

Sonya Stattmann:

And there's a lot of patterns, unconscious patterns, ways in which we, Kind of

Sonya Stattmann:

get in our own way or maybe sabotage our efforts to reclaim ourselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

Things like people pleasing, things like overdoing,

Sonya Stattmann:

overworking, overserving, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

There's a whole lot of pieces that can get in the way of us truly

Sonya Stattmann:

reclaiming ourselves, and that's what we wanna talk about today.

Sonya Stattmann:

What do you think, Laura?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

yes.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I'm all in on this conversation and I agree we could talk for days, so

Laura Shook-Guzman:

we'll try to see, get the highlight.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Um, but I just think this is a, a topic that's really close to home for both of

Laura Shook-Guzman:

us and, um, I'll out myself first, right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Personally, just, just really struggling with this in my own journey, to

Laura Shook-Guzman:

be able to find time for myself, reclaiming my energy and my focus

Laura Shook-Guzman:

on self having a lot of condition.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

as a woman growing up in the South and having a lot of these gender roles

Laura Shook-Guzman:

that I saw growing up and that I was encouraged to have, which was make sure

Laura Shook-Guzman:

everybody else this cup is full before you go get yourself what you need.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yes.

Sonya Stattmann:

and I think, you know, whether it's for women or men, there's a bunch of

Sonya Stattmann:

unconscious patterns that we have that gets in the way of our ability to,

Sonya Stattmann:

to come back to who we actually are.

Sonya Stattmann:

And you know, it starts out as children, it starts out in our

Sonya Stattmann:

family dynamics and family systems.

Sonya Stattmann:

And we lose ourselves along the way.

Sonya Stattmann:

And, Then we adopt kind of survival strategies or patterns and we,

Sonya Stattmann:

it's so hard, even when we start to kind of break free and, and

Sonya Stattmann:

grab into like, Ooh, that's me.

Sonya Stattmann:

That's me.

Sonya Stattmann:

I'm feeling like myself again.

Sonya Stattmann:

Then we like fall into these default patterns.

Sonya Stattmann:

And I know, you know, like Laura, for me, um, it's been a lifetime of really

Sonya Stattmann:

unpacking and uncovering patterns.

Sonya Stattmann:

I mean, some, I'm just like, Gosh, is this still here?

Sonya Stattmann:

Still here.

Sonya Stattmann:

I've done so much work.

Sonya Stattmann:

I've unraveled this so much.

Sonya Stattmann:

Is it still here?

Sonya Stattmann:

you know, these are things that a lot of us face on a daily basis.

Sonya Stattmann:

And so, you know, we often talk about.

Sonya Stattmann:

Reclaiming ourselves to people.

Sonya Stattmann:

I think, think everyone kind of says, Yes, that sounds great.

Sonya Stattmann:

Wonderful, let's do it.

Sonya Stattmann:

But the reality of what we have to face, the reality of what, you know,

Sonya Stattmann:

we're struggling to integrate inside of ourselves is what gets in the way.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yeah, absolutely.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And right, you're right about its family systems, its,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

culture and what's been modeled.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And I do think like the earlier that we took that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

behavior on like, as a coping skill or maybe a protective defense response.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

earlier that we took that on often does mean it's the last to let go, right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's like the earlier, whatever, those beliefs that we had to take to

Laura Shook-Guzman:

survive and to be able to be safe in our family or just, to be emotion.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Included, like a sense of belonging.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So sometimes, you know, I talk about these patterns and people are thinking, Oh, you

Laura Shook-Guzman:

know, I didn't have any survival patterns.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I was in a very healthy functioning family.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Everybody loved, you know, my parents loved me so much.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I was like, well, that doesn't mean the psyche didn't have moments in which

Laura Shook-Guzman:

it felt a sense of, threat to your belonging or to a sense of, do I fit here?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Because we, as human beings, we're wired to connect and if we have a feeling, We

Laura Shook-Guzman:

are threatened that sense of belonging to your family, belonging to your community.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So sometimes it's something that you're unconscious of that you did

Laura Shook-Guzman:

that was asserting your independence as a toddler or maybe you're the

Laura Shook-Guzman:

artistic person in the family and everybody else is like sports fans.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And then your little child part, yourself as a child.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Learned, Oh, to really fit or to get dad's approval, or to get

Laura Shook-Guzman:

mom's wonderful gays upon me where she's like, I'm so proud of you.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

We learn these things to say, Oh, when I do this, they do more of that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I feel more belonging and inclusion.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And so sometimes those types of thoughts or behaviors around

Laura Shook-Guzman:

conforming or people pleasing can start really young in a very healthy.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, happy household, but to the detriment of that emerging self.

Sonya Stattmann:

That's right.

Sonya Stattmann:

And I think, when we talk about reclaiming ourselves, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

The core of that is really just being able to be exactly who we are, Able to

Sonya Stattmann:

be the personality type that we are.

Sonya Stattmann:

The energy type that we are, the have the feelings that we have, have the

Sonya Stattmann:

sensitivities or lack of sensitivities that we have to just be ourselves

Sonya Stattmann:

and, and in truth, where is it safe to really be ourselves in the world?

Sonya Stattmann:

Right?

Sonya Stattmann:

And what family system really allows everyone to be themselves

Sonya Stattmann:

because we're indoctrinated.

Sonya Stattmann:

From a very young age at who we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to

Sonya Stattmann:

operate, what we're supposed to do, how we're supposed to strive for things, and

Sonya Stattmann:

our parents are very indoctrinated and we as parents are indoctrinated, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

So we carry forth these generations of indoctrination that even

Sonya Stattmann:

well-meaning parents, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Even loving well-meaning parents still can a rift in their child that the child

Sonya Stattmann:

doesn't feel safe to be themselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

Right.

Sonya Stattmann:

And so if you think about it, if you go back into your life, cuz I've also heard

Sonya Stattmann:

a lot of people say, I had a great family.

Sonya Stattmann:

I didn't have any of these problems that a lot of people have.

Sonya Stattmann:

But if you actually sit and think about how safe does it

Sonya Stattmann:

feel to truly be yourself, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

And in your family when you were young, how safe.

Sonya Stattmann:

Feel to completely be yourself, to be too much, to be too little, to have

Sonya Stattmann:

energy, when you've been called lazy, when you were just slower, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Slower paced or slower functioning.

Sonya Stattmann:

Right?

Sonya Stattmann:

So in what ways were we.

Sonya Stattmann:

You know, shamed into needing to be something else.

Sonya Stattmann:

And that's the beginning of these patterns that then deny who we are.

Sonya Stattmann:

And that's what we're striving to do in reclaiming ourselves, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

We're striving to come back to, you know, who was even that child before

Sonya Stattmann:

they got taught to be a certain way.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yes, exactly.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And a lot of times people have a hard time answering that question.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, I asked someone the other day, a client what did you do as a

Laura Shook-Guzman:

child when you were unstructured?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, and you could just play.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And they really struggled to remember like what that was like.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Pursue a desire that came from an innate curiosity, you know,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

that wasn't about performance or about, doing the right thing.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And I think a lot of people as adults, they've forgotten that innate self

Laura Shook-Guzman:

just wants to do what it wants to do.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That Mary Oliver poem around Let the animal body love what it.

Sonya Stattmann:

Mm-hmm.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

lot of cultural conditioning to start to deny those

Laura Shook-Guzman:

needs or those desires or those feelings.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's like, well, that's not popular.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That's not okay.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Or, My family thinks I'm being rude if I'm introverted and I'm a bookworm, so

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I've gotta start to be more extroverted or whatever it is that, they feel means

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I am showing up and, and they wanna see more of, And so when we are in our

Laura Shook-Guzman:

relationships with work, Then we might be overworking, afraid to speak our

Laura Shook-Guzman:

truth, feeling like we're afraid of disappointing our coworkers or our boss.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

When this isn't just about work.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

This is a pattern that you're carrying from your personal life,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

from mob, Maybe those early beliefs into an environment that you're not

Laura Shook-Guzman:

getting to advocate for yourself.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Cuz there's just like this unconscious.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Feeling of, well, that's not okay, but I can't really ask for what I want.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Or you know, just a feeling of like something really bad will

Laura Shook-Guzman:

happen if I disappoint someone.

Sonya Stattmann:

yes.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

why?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I don't know why.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I just feel it.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It was like, I just know, and it's like if you really get curious and

Laura Shook-Guzman:

start investigating those feelings, often you'll find they don't really

Laura Shook-Guzman:

come from this rational place.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

They come from a feeling place that has been conditioned over.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

To help you feel safe or feel a sense of.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yeah.

Sonya Stattmann:

It's interesting.

Sonya Stattmann:

I've been really kind of unpacking this idea.

Sonya Stattmann:

I, I saw this post the day I was gonna read.

Sonya Stattmann:

And it basically says, Western cultures believe we must have a

Sonya Stattmann:

purpose to work to make money.

Sonya Stattmann:

Some indigenous cultures believe we are alive just as nature is alive, just to be

Sonya Stattmann:

here, to be beautiful and strange, that we don't need to achieve anything beyond

Sonya Stattmann:

ourselves to be valid in our humanness.

Sonya Stattmann:

I think that reaches the core of kind of what we're talking about,

Sonya Stattmann:

if we believed that we were valid.

Sonya Stattmann:

To just be beautiful and strange right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like to not have to achieve anything or to not have to get worthiness from someone,

Sonya Stattmann:

or to not have to be validated by someone that would be truly reclaiming ourselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

And how often have most of us felt.

Sonya Stattmann:

I mean, I spent most of my life trying to achieve worthiness,

Sonya Stattmann:

trying to be good, trying to get the unconditional love of my parents, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like all these things that I changed.

Sonya Stattmann:

About my nature, about my beautiful self in order to try to capture attention,

Sonya Stattmann:

love, worthiness, belonging, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

These very, very innate needs.

Sonya Stattmann:

We have these inherent needs we have as humans.

Sonya Stattmann:

And you know, now I'm finally getting to a point in my life

Sonya Stattmann:

where I feel like, wow, I can just.

Sonya Stattmann:

I don't need to achieve anymore.

Sonya Stattmann:

And that really changes the game.

Sonya Stattmann:

And I think what still is getting in our way when we kind of unpack

Sonya Stattmann:

these patterns is we're still looking for some of that, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

We're still looking to belong.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're still looking to please, we're still looking to be validated,

Sonya Stattmann:

And it is in opposition to the task of reclaiming ourselves.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Oh, I'm so glad that you shared that post and that

Laura Shook-Guzman:

you just brought that piece of it to this conversation, because that's

Laura Shook-Guzman:

such a strong conditioning in our culture and our Western culture.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Like it said in the United States that, rugged individualism, the striving always

Laura Shook-Guzman:

to earn your place at the table to.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Productive citizen to contribute, right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's like the worth.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

What are you, what are you bringing and not understanding the intrinsic

Laura Shook-Guzman:

worth, the beauty of of being a human being on this planet.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You're, you're alive just like all of the other.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

creatures and the animals and the plants and the trees.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's, it's really an interesting way in which we been conditioned to feel like

Laura Shook-Guzman:

we have to earn that way to the table.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And how that striving and that people pleasing is definitely something then that

Laura Shook-Guzman:

gets, keeps you outta center because you don't really have a sense of, I'm enough.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's if everybody else is okay, I'm enough.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

If I'm doing a good job at work, I'm enough.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

If my boss or my clients are happy, I'm enough.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's just a lot of pressure.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And so then of course we feel, limited in our freedom sometimes to

Laura Shook-Guzman:

just take a retreat or do things.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Right.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I was saying to this, speaking to this before we got on the recording,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

is how even taking a personal.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

for me is an ordeal.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

is a psychological ordeal of getting my family prepared and

Laura Shook-Guzman:

making sure that it's a good time.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, I'm checking.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And of course there's logistics about that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Of course, I have to be this thoughtful partner, but I take it over.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I take it beyond just being like, Hey honey, what's your schedule?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I'm gonna take a retreat.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's like I carry so much and I know that that is.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

There's a sense of identity to be a good mom, an identity to be a good partner, an

Laura Shook-Guzman:

identity to be this certain worthy person.

Sonya Stattmann:

that's right.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

so even like people pleaser, right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Is an identity of like, Oh, but I am a person that takes care and

Laura Shook-Guzman:

makes sure that everybody's happy.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And if I'm not that, then who am I?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That feels really uncom.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yes, and I think, it's about the intention, there's an

Sonya Stattmann:

energy at play in all of these patterns.

Sonya Stattmann:

And so we can come from the energy of, I need to feel

Sonya Stattmann:

worthy, I need to feel validated.

Sonya Stattmann:

If I just do this, somebody will validate me.

Sonya Stattmann:

Somebody will gimme what I deserve.

Sonya Stattmann:

You know, like coming from that energy.

Sonya Stattmann:

or you can still be kind and empathic.

Sonya Stattmann:

And a caring partner.

Sonya Stattmann:

And a caring mom from the energy of power, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

From the energy of like, I'm worthy just as I am.

Sonya Stattmann:

I don't need to please anyone.

Sonya Stattmann:

And yet I, I desire to be kind, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

I desire to be thoughtful.

Sonya Stattmann:

and, and I think that's important distinction.

Sonya Stattmann:

Because when we're unpacking these patterns, we wanna be able to understand

Sonya Stattmann:

where are we coming from, what is the motivation we have in doing that?

Sonya Stattmann:

And so for, you know, so often we have this justification, but I

Sonya Stattmann:

just wanna be a kind person, but I just wanna not be a selfish person.

Sonya Stattmann:

Right?

Sonya Stattmann:

But when you start to unpack, where is that actually coming from?

Sonya Stattmann:

Is it about getting validation outside of me, or do I feel filled?

Sonya Stattmann:

Validated inside myself, and it's just about who I wanna be, and that's

Sonya Stattmann:

a very, Honest conversation that we have to have with ourselves because

Sonya Stattmann:

wrapped up in identity, you know, we often don't wanna look at it.

Sonya Stattmann:

I know I spent a long time justifying how I was just a kind person.

Sonya Stattmann:

I was just a giving person, you know, And I am those things.

Sonya Stattmann:

and I was coming from a very depleted place.

Sonya Stattmann:

I was coming from a need to be validated, a need to be loved, a need

Sonya Stattmann:

to belong, a need to be respected.

Sonya Stattmann:

And when I unpacked that and realized that's not the place I wanna come

Sonya Stattmann:

from, it really changed things.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I, I appreciate that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

because I think that intention and then checking in Cuz I, I

Laura Shook-Guzman:

hear a lot of pushback with.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

When I do say, what would that be like to take care of yourself and

Laura Shook-Guzman:

to be able to prioritize that?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And it's like, but that's not who I am.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Like, I'm not the person that does that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Like I'm the helper.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

and I guess I'm trying to say too, I hear a lot of people thinking of that as well.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That's not who I am.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And also I don't want that quality like seeing, taking care of.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Sometimes as a selfish act or as an indulgence or like,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I, I wanna be the helper.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I want to be the one that is seen, as the, the good one, , as the one who's going to

Laura Shook-Guzman:

help, others and, and be self-sacrificing.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And I, and that's where we get into gender a bit like where women have received

Laura Shook-Guzman:

a lot of, you know, rewards for being self-sacrificing and kind of being that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That person who can fade into the background and be a support.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I know that even research shows that women in professional, careers just

Laura Shook-Guzman:

women that are working compared to their male counterparts will take on

Laura Shook-Guzman:

more of the emotional labor and more of the jobs that are non promotable

Laura Shook-Guzman:

because they have that need to just make sure that everyone is taken care of.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So even if it's not your job, Plan the Christmas party for your company, then

Laura Shook-Guzman:

it's like women will step in to that role

Sonya Stattmann:

Exactly.

Sonya Stattmann:

Exactly.

Sonya Stattmann:

And you know, I mean all of these things, all of these patterns that we have,

Sonya Stattmann:

they come from lots of different places.

Sonya Stattmann:

Right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like, you know, one of the reasons why I think Laura and I could talk about

Sonya Stattmann:

days and days and days of this is that, There's a lot of pieces to it, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

There's a lot of, of ways that these patterns show up, and there's a lot

Sonya Stattmann:

of reasons why these patterns show up.

Sonya Stattmann:

But I think, you know, what we can talk to is that starting to look

Sonya Stattmann:

at what are the behaviors, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

So what are those common patterns you have that.

Sonya Stattmann:

Consistently stop you from taking care of yourself, Stop you from prioritizing

Sonya Stattmann:

yourself, Stop you from being yourself, so it's like, you know, what are all those

Sonya Stattmann:

things that we can start to look at those and unpack those and play with those,

Sonya Stattmann:

And that has a big impact towards our ability and capacity to reclaim ourselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

If we don't look at those patterns, if we don't unpack those unconscious patterns.

Sonya Stattmann:

it's kind of like reclaiming ourselves becomes this pie in the sky, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

This, this thing that sounds good and that one day I'd love to achieve, but you

Sonya Stattmann:

know, we're not getting to the meat of what's really stopping us because I don't

Sonya Stattmann:

know, Laura, I mean, what do you think?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like, you know, this is definitely your realm of what

Sonya Stattmann:

you unpack a lot with people.

Sonya Stattmann:

I've done a lot of this unpacking as well over the years with my coaching,

Sonya Stattmann:

but how often is it the patterns that are chronic almost right, that get in

Sonya Stattmann:

the way of reclaiming ourselves versus like a circumstance or a situation.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yes, very good point.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It, psychology is based on.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Uprooting unearthing these unconscious patterns because what

Laura Shook-Guzman:

we do understand is whatever is unconscious is often running the show.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's like the conscious patterns are there whether you want

Laura Shook-Guzman:

to acknowledge them or not.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Now, when they are emerging into your consciousness, you often have choice.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

When patterns are in the unconscious, they're usually operating like

Laura Shook-Guzman:

an automatic kind of running the background noise here.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And it's an automatic where you're not even gonna think, Do I want to offer to

Laura Shook-Guzman:

help and maybe choose to be in service of this other when I really wanna take a nap?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's like you don't have a conscious choice if it's unconscious.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You're just doing the thing that you always do.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And when you bring that into awareness, you have choice.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It doesn't mean that you'll always have capacity, or the circumstances will always

Laura Shook-Guzman:

be in your favor to have that be an easy choice, but it means that you can consider

Laura Shook-Guzman:

like, is this really in my best interest?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Is this really serve my value?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Or am I really coming from a place that I choose to be kind cuz I have capacity?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Or am I going to be resentful because of this?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Am I gonna be angry underneath my, pleasing.

Sonya Stattmann:

That's right.

Sonya Stattmann:

And you know, maybe it'd be good to kind of call out like what are some

Sonya Stattmann:

of the patterns that we've seen in our work with people over the years?

Sonya Stattmann:

That really get in the way or sabotage, the path to reclaiming ourselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

you know, what are some of the things, and maybe you and I can both

Sonya Stattmann:

name a few, because I mean, there's lots and lots of things that can

Sonya Stattmann:

get in the way, but you know, what are some really common patterns?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Well, I think you mentioned one of them just a

Laura Shook-Guzman:

little bit ago, is this sort of, fear of disappointing other people.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

people pleasing is a defense response.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yep.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

defense response.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Defense mechanisms are not always there to serve the best in ourselves.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Like as far as the relationship to self care and taking time for ourselves,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

it's there to serve, Oh, I've gotta keep this person safe because when we

Laura Shook-Guzman:

disappoint others, bad things happen.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So there's just like a sense unconsciously that you're like,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I can't disappoint people because something really bad will happen.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So some of the exploration.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Understanding, like that fear of disappointing others can

Laura Shook-Guzman:

be that there's a part of you protecting you from the fallout.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's like something bad will happen.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Well, now talking about earlier when we were speaking about in our childhood,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

it's possible that When you didn't please, when you didn't do what was expected

Laura Shook-Guzman:

of you, that you did get in trouble, or that you got shamed or you didn't get

Laura Shook-Guzman:

to eat at the table with the family, or you did get, grounded or all humiliated,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

you know, all sorts of things that felt very threatening to that young child.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So you feel very much that there's a need to not experience that again, and

Laura Shook-Guzman:

that part, that's the people please.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Is protecting you, So in ifs we ask a question, we'll say,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

let's ask that protector part.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

What would happen to you?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Like, what would happen to Laura if you weren't always reading the room in, um,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

you know, predicting everyone's needs?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Well, that part will often say, Well, something really bad would happen to her.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

She would be humiliated, she'd be cast out, or she'd be punished.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, it's just like that's an unconscious belief.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Driving that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And so you really wanna unearth that pattern because when we realize

Laura Shook-Guzman:

that, Oh wait, That's not what's happening in the present moment.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I actually am in a very, supportive relationship with a partner who values

Laura Shook-Guzman:

when I assert myself or I'm learning to choose healthy relationships that

Laura Shook-Guzman:

encourage me to, to ask for what I.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Right.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So there's a lot of like nuances, if we need to unpack that one a little bit.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That's a big one.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Fear of disappointing other people.

Sonya Stattmann:

And I think you can label it a lot of things.

Sonya Stattmann:

People pleasing, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

I always kind of look at it as like the approval disapproval, dichotomy, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Right.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're either striving for approval or we're fighting to not have disapproval.

Sonya Stattmann:

Right.

Sonya Stattmann:

So it's like it's such a core thing and so much of this.

Sonya Stattmann:

That, we're just striving for people to approve of us, for people to

Sonya Stattmann:

like us, for people to respect us, you know, whatever it is, whatever

Sonya Stattmann:

label it is that we use, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

So a lot of men might use, I'm, you know, want people to respect

Sonya Stattmann:

me and a lot of women might use, I want people to like me, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

And so there's these different ways in which we describe it, but

Sonya Stattmann:

it all comes down to approval.

Sonya Stattmann:

or if we've had a lot of experience with people who've disapproved of

Sonya Stattmann:

us, our parents, our dads, you know, someone who didn't approve of who

Sonya Stattmann:

we are, didn't approve of how we operated, didn't approve of what we did.

Sonya Stattmann:

Then we're scared of that disapproval.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're scared of being judged.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're scared of people not liking us.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're scared of being shamed.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're scared of being cast out or not belonging.

Sonya Stattmann:

And so, you know, we have kind of these, like these two things.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're striving for approval.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're scared of disapproval and.

Sonya Stattmann:

You know, that pattern is big and we have, there's like you said, lots

Sonya Stattmann:

of nuances, lots of ways we do that.

Sonya Stattmann:

And I think it was really good what you mentioned, cuz you know, the more

Sonya Stattmann:

I dig into trauma, the more that I understand the nervous system and

Sonya Stattmann:

how like all of these patterns were originally instigated for survival.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That's.

Sonya Stattmann:

and that's okay.

Sonya Stattmann:

And this is why when we're doing this kind of work, when we're exploring ourselves,

Sonya Stattmann:

when we're doing self-development work, you know, it's not about shaming

Sonya Stattmann:

ourselves or making ourselves wrong or saying, Oh, these bad patterns.

Sonya Stattmann:

You know?

Sonya Stattmann:

And I love that you brought internal family systems up because I think I love

Sonya Stattmann:

the process of internal family systems.

Sonya Stattmann:

It's such a beautiful way to look at these parts of ourselves that helped

Sonya Stattmann:

us survive, that protected us, that honored us, and we can really love

Sonya Stattmann:

those parts and say, Thank you for that.

Sonya Stattmann:

And they're no longer necessary, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

They're, no, we're adults now, or we're in a good loving relationship, or we

Sonya Stattmann:

do have some measure of safety and.

Sonya Stattmann:

it's great to recognize that so that as we start to look at these unconscious

Sonya Stattmann:

patterns and as we start to explore this, we're not retraumatizing ourselves,

Sonya Stattmann:

you know, because we're like so wrong.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're bad.

Sonya Stattmann:

How do we have these patterns?

Sonya Stattmann:

They're totally natural.

Sonya Stattmann:

They're adaptive.

Sonya Stattmann:

They're beautiful biological responses.

Sonya Stattmann:

And we can heal them and respond in a very different way.

Sonya Stattmann:

and there's, I think there's lots of other patterns, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

But I think people pleasing and that approval disapproval is kind

Sonya Stattmann:

of the core of a lot of them.

Sonya Stattmann:

I think one of the other patterns I think is really good to kind of

Sonya Stattmann:

explore in this area is disconnection as well, and distraction, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Because when we disconnect from the body, when we disconnect from our,

Sonya Stattmann:

um, feeling sense, our intuition, the trust that we have in ourselves,

Sonya Stattmann:

well that definitely takes us out of reclaiming ourselves, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

So much of reclaiming ourselves is coming back into the body, is

Sonya Stattmann:

reclaiming our sense of self, our feeling sense, our intuitive sense,

Sonya Stattmann:

our wisdom, our trust in ourselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

And so I think that's a, a pattern as well.

Sonya Stattmann:

And We're all really good at that pattern and the world does not

Sonya Stattmann:

make it easy for us to, to stop it.

Sonya Stattmann:

You know, I can be constantly distracted and constantly disconnected.

Sonya Stattmann:

It takes a lot of consciousness to root myself back into myself, but

Sonya Stattmann:

I think that's another big pattern that, you know, can get in our way.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yes, absolutely.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And that is like the next one on the tip of my tongue.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I was like, and then there's the, you know, overwork over-functioning that

Laura Shook-Guzman:

distractability constantly staying busy and we know that like, that is so much of.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Hustle culture and the grind culture that we see in today's business world.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

it's interesting cuz on one hand, you know, I'll have clients come

Laura Shook-Guzman:

in saying, I know I've got to.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Be in therapy.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I got to slow down.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I'm really stressed out.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I'm starting to see all of these ways in which this affects my body and my mind.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And then of course, when I'm suggesting, well, one of the biggest things we can

Laura Shook-Guzman:

do is like start slowing things down and find time for you to reconnect

Laura Shook-Guzman:

to yourself, return to yourself.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

They are terrified, . It's just like, they're like, That's, wait, that's the

Laura Shook-Guzman:

worst thing you could have told me to do.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

How am I supposed to be still, You know, I haven't, haven't known

Laura Shook-Guzman:

how to be with myself in ages.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, a lot of people have forgotten.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I love it.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's Pico Ier who's the author of The Art of Stillness, and he also

Laura Shook-Guzman:

has a really wonderful Ted Talk on this subject he said that we've

Laura Shook-Guzman:

really lost the, ability to move.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

The rhythm that is the animal body of, of being a human.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yes,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

we have started moving like machines, that we've

Laura Shook-Guzman:

really started treating each other like machines, expecting ourselves to move.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And it's just a unsustainable pace.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's not meant for us.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That's not how the human body is supposed to perform and move in the world.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And yet that's this really fast pace and I, I find that that's the big fear

Laura Shook-Guzman:

for people, when they know they need to uncover something and they need to return

Laura Shook-Guzman:

to themselves, but they've just been trying to stay out of that discomfort of

Laura Shook-Guzman:

what are they feeling in their body if they stop working that hard, what's there?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And for a lot of people it's like, oh, uh, emotions that I haven't

Laura Shook-Guzman:

wanted to feel in a long time.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

A relationship I'm not happy in a situation work that I wanna change.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

all sorts of things could be.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

When you start

Laura Shook-Guzman:

listening

Sonya Stattmann:

truth is there, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like I

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Exactly.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yeah.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Truth is there.

Sonya Stattmann:

like when we slow down we have to face truth,

Sonya Stattmann:

face our real feelings, Face what we've been able to cover up or,

Sonya Stattmann:

work over or work around, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

We have to kind of face the truth that's there.

Sonya Stattmann:

But man, it's so powerful, you know, when we do that.

Sonya Stattmann:

I've really had a very palpable experience of shifting down, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like, moving to a different country in Mexico, a different

Sonya Stattmann:

culture, a different pace.

Sonya Stattmann:

it's taken me seven months I think to truly.

Sonya Stattmann:

Feel like I am operating slowly, but I'm enjoying the moments.

Sonya Stattmann:

I'm, I get nothing done many days.

Sonya Stattmann:

Like, you know, it's like, it's this very interesting experience

Sonya Stattmann:

to, you know, we talk a lot about in self development or in these reals,

Sonya Stattmann:

we talk a lot about slowing down.

Sonya Stattmann:

We talk a lot about taking care of self.

Sonya Stattmann:

The reality though is, is very different and challenging.

Sonya Stattmann:

Like when you first start to slow down.

Sonya Stattmann:

every fiber of our being wants to keep puling.

Sonya Stattmann:

Right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like, it's so fascinating.

Sonya Stattmann:

You know, I've watched my default and I mean, I've been an advocate for

Sonya Stattmann:

slowing down for a long, long time.

Sonya Stattmann:

But really doing it to such a slower pace is hard.

Sonya Stattmann:

and the world, you know, like still, I have these defaults that come up that

Sonya Stattmann:

are like, Oh, you gotta get more done.

Sonya Stattmann:

Oh, this project is taking forever.

Sonya Stattmann:

like, I used to be able to get this done in a month and now it's taking

Sonya Stattmann:

like a year, You know, , it's like there's such a different reality.

Sonya Stattmann:

When you actually allow yourself to slow down and feel what you feel and

Sonya Stattmann:

experience what you experience, and it's amazing and beautiful and wonderful.

Sonya Stattmann:

But, you know, I also think it's good to acknowledge that the patterns

Sonya Stattmann:

that we're discussing today and this journey in and of itself to

Sonya Stattmann:

reclaiming ourselves, it's a journey.

Sonya Stattmann:

It's takes a lot of time and it's hard.

Sonya Stattmann:

And you're not gonna just wake up one day and be like, I.

Sonya Stattmann:

Stop people pleasing, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like, I've been trying to stop people pleasing for like 30 years, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

and it just is stuff that we, I guess as we become more and more

Sonya Stattmann:

aware of things, right, we're able to shift and change the patterns,

Sonya Stattmann:

but sometimes the shifting is subtle.

Sonya Stattmann:

And so, you know, we're bringing this to awareness.

Sonya Stattmann:

Because it's a good reminder for many of us.

Sonya Stattmann:

It's a good understanding that, oh yeah, I do have these things happening

Sonya Stattmann:

and they're at play, and I can acknowledge them and I can also recognize

Sonya Stattmann:

they're not gonna change tomorrow.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That's right.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yes.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And I think that's why you and I always find it so important to talk

Laura Shook-Guzman:

about what are the barriers that we face in this self development?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

What are the obstacles that are gonna come along?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

What are the emotional challenges?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Cause it's.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

We know it's not a, a switch that you can flip, you know, from one state to another.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's a journey and it's a practice that does get rewarding.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, it rewards us over time.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I think sometimes my clients can get discouraged when it's not

Laura Shook-Guzman:

happening enough, but I'm like every.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Day that you come back to that new way of, being more conscious with that

Laura Shook-Guzman:

awareness, more conscious with that choice or that pattern, then you're

Laura Shook-Guzman:

creating a stronger pathway that's next time will feel more automatic.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

That will feel a little bit easier, but it's like we gotta come back and

Laura Shook-Guzman:

practice and practice and practice.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And some days we'll be.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Resourced and, you know, have a lot of capacity for being conscious

Laura Shook-Guzman:

and, and making that choice that serves the return to self.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And other times we're exhausted.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

We didn't sleep.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Our kids are, you know, struggling and we're pretty depleted.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So we are going with that automatic response, you know, so we just step in

Laura Shook-Guzman:

and do that thing to over function over.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

instead of being with the feelings and trying to process

Laura Shook-Guzman:

and release those, right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's like there's so much compassion that we have to bring to the different

Laura Shook-Guzman:

states that we're gonna be in.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yet I'm a big believer if we don't strive for that consciousness, if

Laura Shook-Guzman:

that self-awareness is not something I'm just every day like hoping to

Laura Shook-Guzman:

get a little bit more of Then what?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I'm staying in the darkness intentionally.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, I'm staying unconscious.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

and I think there's so much that comes from that revealing.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I had a client, actually, I'll share the other day cuz it's not always that

Laura Shook-Guzman:

you get this like positive, feedback.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So, so well delivered.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, I have a client who's younger client in his twenties and he's been

Laura Shook-Guzman:

coming to therapy first time to do therapy and he's, I thought that coming to therapy

Laura Shook-Guzman:

was going to be extremely, difficult.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Like we were just gonna stay in the trenches and we were just

Laura Shook-Guzman:

gonna deal with all of the stuff.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And he's like, But I find I really like this.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I look forward to this every week cuz I'm learning about

Laura Shook-Guzman:

myself and I have more choice.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I, feel more evolved, like I get to make these changes I loved that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I loved his perspectives.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Like You made my day . It's like hearing, you know, and that's why

Laura Shook-Guzman:

you and I have these conversations.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's really amazing to.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Your awareness and your consciousness and like somebody could be listening to this

Laura Shook-Guzman:

podcast for this entire season and just have been like, Yep, that sounds great.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

But every time I try to return to myself, it's not happening.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And I just wanna invite the listener that might have a little bit of that

Laura Shook-Guzman:

dialogue to think, Huh, if I got really compassionate and really curious

Laura Shook-Guzman:

for a moment, I wonder what it is.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

what keeps stopping me?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

When every time I have a minute to be quiet and take that bubble bath or listen

Laura Shook-Guzman:

to my own thoughts that I pick up another thing for work or that I volunteer

Laura Shook-Guzman:

for another thing at my kid's school.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, am I not asking for what I need because I'm afraid that's gonna

Laura Shook-Guzman:

put everybody else in a bad spot.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's just like, just start thinking about that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Like what's driving that resistance to being with.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yeah, I love that.

Sonya Stattmann:

And, it's a little bit of a tangent, but, you know, I, I wanna like

Laura Shook-Guzman:

it on.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yeah.

Sonya Stattmann:

Finish this as our wrap up before we get off.

Sonya Stattmann:

But you mentioned resourcing and I think in my opinion or my

Sonya Stattmann:

perspective, reclaiming yourself is a lot about resourcing yourself.

Sonya Stattmann:

And a lot of these unconscious patterns that we have, they're really

Sonya Stattmann:

about depleting ourselves, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

They're running ourselves into the ground, people pleasing, runs us

Sonya Stattmann:

into the ground, striving, hustling, grinding, disconnecting, all those

Sonya Stattmann:

things run us into the ground.

Sonya Stattmann:

None of those things resource ourselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

And I feel like, you know, that's a really important thing,

Sonya Stattmann:

you know, as you're exploring.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yourself and your patterns.

Sonya Stattmann:

Like how often are you choosing to resource yourself?

Sonya Stattmann:

And Laura and I actually did a great podcast on resourcing and the women in

Sonya Stattmann:

the Business arena podcast that we had.

Sonya Stattmann:

Um, and so we can link that in the show notes.

Sonya Stattmann:

But think it's a really important piece we don't talk enough

Sonya Stattmann:

about, and you know, the more.

Sonya Stattmann:

I'm exploring, um, in some of my trauma classes that I'm taking.

Sonya Stattmann:

You know, one of the first things we do before we can really unpack

Sonya Stattmann:

all of our patterns and unpack, you know, all of our trauma is we

Sonya Stattmann:

have to, to have resourcing, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

We have to resource ourselves.

Sonya Stattmann:

We have to feel like we have capacity to navigate.

Sonya Stattmann:

Patterns.

Sonya Stattmann:

And I think it's really interesting because we never talk about that.

Sonya Stattmann:

We never talk about how to resource ourselves, how to, get what we

Sonya Stattmann:

need to feel like we have capacity.

Sonya Stattmann:

the reason I brought this up is cuz if anything, right, like, you know, as we're

Sonya Stattmann:

exploring how do, how do I reclaim myself, how do I, you know, step into that?

Sonya Stattmann:

How do I really, You know, navigate these unconscious patterns.

Sonya Stattmann:

Sometimes I think if you can just ask yourself, am I

Sonya Stattmann:

resourcing myself in this moment?

Sonya Stattmann:

Do I have the resources that I need, before I give to someone else, or before

Sonya Stattmann:

I people please, or before I hustle?

Sonya Stattmann:

Or can I take a step before that to actually give myself something

Sonya Stattmann:

that I need more capacity, more space, more energy, more sleep.

Sonya Stattmann:

Right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Whatever it is.

Sonya Stattmann:

That's a good exploration to look at, you know, how many of our patterns

Sonya Stattmann:

are depleting us versus resourcing us.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I love that.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And what does that take?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It requires a pause without firing that automatic unconscious pattern.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

So back to that point of the more, you know, why is this important?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Well, as you become more aware, and this is even just mindful awareness,

Laura Shook-Guzman:

you know, it's like you we're not saying you have to dive in to every one of

Laura Shook-Guzman:

those deeper feelings, but just Paus.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And because you heard us have this conversation, baby, you're listening.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And then you're in that situation where you're like, Oh yeah, this is a moment.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

I just pause and I choose to check in.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Am I resourced right?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And that's the question, and that's what I really love about.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

The more self-aware we are, the more choices we have.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yes, Yes.

Sonya Stattmann:

I mean, a truly self-awareness is everything.

Sonya Stattmann:

I mean, in so much of my work, I teach about emotional intelligence, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

In corporate environments or you know, to communities.

Sonya Stattmann:

Really, I believe emotional intelligence is the solution for

Sonya Stattmann:

diversity and inclusion work.

Sonya Stattmann:

It's the solution for burnout, it's the solution for like pretty

Sonya Stattmann:

much everything, in my opinion.

Sonya Stattmann:

And the core of emotional intelligence is selfa.

Sonya Stattmann:

It's like if we all become more self-aware, we will

Sonya Stattmann:

stop burning ourselves out.

Sonya Stattmann:

We will learn how to manage our energy.

Sonya Stattmann:

We will learn how to include people.

Sonya Stattmann:

We'll be more aware of our racism, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

All of these things happen with self-awareness.

Sonya Stattmann:

We'll set better boundaries.

Sonya Stattmann:

We'll even know that we need boundaries.

Sonya Stattmann:

We'll understand we're depleted and we'll resource ourself.

Sonya Stattmann:

I mean, I truly believe self-awareness is the solution for all.

Sonya Stattmann:

Of mankind's problems, , you know, like it's not a small thing and we

Sonya Stattmann:

sometimes diminish it or make it this like, oh yeah, self-awareness.

Sonya Stattmann:

Great.

Sonya Stattmann:

Now what?

Sonya Stattmann:

Now what?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like, it's it, It is, it is the what?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yes.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's so foundational.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And you're right.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And I have, that response too from many clients of like, Well, just

Laura Shook-Guzman:

because I'm aware of it now, what?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Like, what does that change?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And I was like, Ooh, don't underestimate the fact that we've just made, helped make

Laura Shook-Guzman:

this more conscious in your awareness.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

and the reality is, Just like everything, it takes this practice too because it's

Laura Shook-Guzman:

a, you're aware of it in this moment as we're talking about it, but then

Laura Shook-Guzman:

when you're, your nervous system is dysregulated, when you're feeling a

Laura Shook-Guzman:

sense of emotion or physical threat, then those automatic patterns are

Laura Shook-Guzman:

still right there and ready to protect you in the way that they know how.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And so as we ask ourselves like, what's happening?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You know, what's not, what's wrong with me right now?

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's what is happen.

Sonya Stattmann:

Mm-hmm.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Bring it to the breath, calm myself, get myself back

Laura Shook-Guzman:

to center, and how am I resourced and, and then what's really happening so

Laura Shook-Guzman:

that I can make a conscious choice.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

what I feel would best serve me in this moment, instead of just

Laura Shook-Guzman:

automatic everything's happening before you can even think.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And it's all coming from that survival pattern that was keeping you safe for

Laura Shook-Guzman:

all the important reasons at some.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

, but you're no longer that child or in that moment or in that with that person.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's like, what is it like to return to yourself by noticing your present self?

Sonya Stattmann:

Yeah.

Sonya Stattmann:

And when.

Sonya Stattmann:

Unravel these patterns.

Sonya Stattmann:

You know, when you unhook yourself from approval or disapproval or disconnection

Sonya Stattmann:

or these things, and you really do come back to value who you are.

Sonya Stattmann:

That's the joy in reclaiming yourself.

Sonya Stattmann:

Like, the whole reason we kind of started this podcast and this process

Sonya Stattmann:

is, is to highlight how important it is, how freeing it is, how joyful it

Sonya Stattmann:

is, how alive it is when we finally just acknowledge how awesome we are, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

And we finally just acknowledge that this is who I am and it's absolutely okay and

Sonya Stattmann:

I don't need to be anything for anyone.

Sonya Stattmann:

I can be nature.

Sonya Stattmann:

Right.

Sonya Stattmann:

I That's a good, you know, going back to that quote,

Sonya Stattmann:

I can be nature, I'm beautiful and strange just as I am.

Sonya Stattmann:

I'm not like out there.

Sonya Stattmann:

I don't need to do anything, accomplish anything.

Sonya Stattmann:

I can just be a flower.

Sonya Stattmann:

I can just.

Sonya Stattmann:

Be the sun coming up and down, I can just be the wind, right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Like I don't have to have an agenda.

Sonya Stattmann:

I don't have to mean something, that is truly freeing and opens up more

Sonya Stattmann:

choices than you can ever imagine.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Yes.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

This has been really a good conversation because I needed to hear this again too.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

As I practice more and more, I think as we wrap up the, the end of this season

Laura Shook-Guzman:

and even just on the calendar, we.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

2023, not too far in the future.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

And I'm just thinking a lot about, you know, how these themes of

Laura Shook-Guzman:

importance of sory and allegiance to self returning to self reclaiming

Laura Shook-Guzman:

our innate wisdom and, um, truth.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

It's just, it's really a beautiful intention for, you know, the

Laura Shook-Guzman:

new year for me personally.

Sonya Stattmann:

Yeah, I agree.

Sonya Stattmann:

And I, and I think, you know, all of the co-hosts and me included, you

Sonya Stattmann:

know, we've all talked about behind the scenes that, you know, doing

Sonya Stattmann:

this podcast, having this season has all been a journey for us as well.

Sonya Stattmann:

Right?

Sonya Stattmann:

Reclaiming ourselves, reminding ourselves of, you know what, we

Sonya Stattmann:

still haven't reclaimed like.

Sonya Stattmann:

It's a process.

Sonya Stattmann:

We're gonna unpack a little bit of that, you know, personally in

Sonya Stattmann:

the panel, uh, episode, we have our final episode of the season.

Sonya Stattmann:

But it, it's just a constant journey and process and I love all these

Sonya Stattmann:

reminders, having these conversations and being part of this process.

Sonya Stattmann:

Um, because I think we all need to hear them.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Absolut.

Sonya Stattmann:

All right.

Sonya Stattmann:

Well thanks Laura for joining me and thanks so much to all of our listeners

Sonya Stattmann:

and we will see you next week.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Well thanks for joining us today, and I

Laura Shook-Guzman:

hope you enjoyed the show.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

If you wanna learn more about this topic, head over to conscious ambition.com.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

You can sign up for my email list so you never miss an episode.

Laura Shook-Guzman:

Have a great day, and we'll see you next time.

.

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About Sonya Stattmann

Sonya spent the last 21 years helping thousands of leaders create more ease, alignment & success in their lives, work & business. Her personal development & leadership programs offer leaders permanent & lasting transformation that has a ripple effect on all areas of their lives. Her corporate speaking and workshops around leadership transform organizations. She has two podcasts and a TEDx talk called Moving Beyond #Empowerment. She is currently traveling around the world with her husband and two children.